Texting Pitfalls to Avoid When Communicating With A Highly Sensitive Person
Because a highly sensitive person (or HSP) is usually very attuned and aware of nuance—and even slight changes in behavior patterns—supporting an HSP over text can take practice. For those partnered with a highly sensitive person, knowing how to best support them through texting can lead to deeper understanding, intimacy, and trust within your relationship.
If communication over text tends to be a trigger point, working with an HSP therapist might be helpful for both the highly sensitive person and their partner. Additionally, seeking out anxiety treatment, or anxiety therapy may also be crucial for those with anxiety symptoms around communication practices.
Phrases or Actions in Texting That Can be Highly Triggering to an HSP
We need to talk.
You are driving me nuts.
Grandma has cancer.
You owe me $50 for the car.
Goodnight. I’m done.
Fine.
Bye.
I have had enough of everyone today.
Texts Like These Can Incite a Sense of Panic in a Highly Sensitive Person
This kind of abrupt and direct engagement without a lead-in or indicator as to what the text is pertaining to is highly uncomfortable to an HSP. Because HSPs tend to take on the emotions of others or are highly influenced by the emotional state of those they love, texting phrases such as these without context immediately sets off a chain of concern from an HSP: they may wonder why you texted this, if you are angry, if you are grieving, if this is a reference to your relationship, what expectations you might have of them in terms of support, etc.
And, texts of this nature may prevent an HSP from focusing or functioning until they are able to connect with you to find out what the text is about or how you are. For discussions about relationship status, or to share anger, discussions in person or directly are always preferable. Seeking out an HSP therapist or an HSP counselor can also help partners understand why communication like this can be so detrimental to an HSP, and why it can often trigger anxiety in an HSP.
Dropping Off Texting Without Explanation During an Especially Vulnerable or Emotional Exchange
While it is best to have deep conversations in person, sometimes texting becomes a forum for particular conversations. Consider this scenario: after spending time with a dating coach, you and your HSP get into a highly emotional text exchange about a deep subject—say family trauma, past relationships not working out, your partner’s insecurities about physical intimacy, etc. If the texting becomes too charged, if you are at a loss of what to say, if you are overwhelmed and are going into dissociation, or if you have to stop texting because of an outside influence (say you have an upcoming meeting) dropping off suddenly can cause significant anxiety to your HSP partner. Instead of retreating, be sure to be gently honest about why the conversation cannot continue over text. Even a small heads-up with reassurance makes a big impact and gives a cue to your highly sensitive partner so that they don’t feel confused, hurt, or triggered by your sudden absence.
Choosing Not to Respond or Initiate Through Text
As highly sensitive people are attuned to the emotions of others, often this can lead to hypervigilance in monitoring the emotional state of loved ones, overthinking interactions, or being confused when actions and words do not align. For HSPs, keeping text exchanges in balance is extraordinarily important for their sense of security and emotional regulation. If they are continually initiating texts with you, they may interpret this as an imbalance of energy between you both, which can lead to a deep sense of doubt about the depth of your connection. Ensuring that there is a pendulum effect and an energy balance is crucial. Additionally, choosing not to respond to a text, particularly an emotional or affectionate check-in from an HSP, can be extraordinarily invalidating. While it is imperative that HSP’s do inner work with therapists who specialize in working with HSPs, as a partner, your offering of security, transparency, and willingness to promote ease for an HSP only leads to deeper understanding and a sense of safety.
Using Curt or Clipped Language
If you typically text with emojis and memes, and suddenly alter your texting pattern to one-word answers, or phrases with periods, this change in behavior will often register on an HSP’s radar that something may be wrong. Consistency and thoughtful responses, even when one is tired or distracted, go a long way to fostering a sense of security for HSPs.
Not Honoring Boundaries
If an HSP sets a boundary about texting that is not honored, this can be a source of deep frustration. For example, if you are in a platonic exchange with an HSP and they have made it clear that they do not have a romantic interest, this is a boundary that also needs to be reflected in communication. Flirty or sexual texts cross this line and can cause an HSP to not feel a sense of trust or safety in their communication with you. Another example is if an HSP prefers not to receive traumatic or upsetting news over text—for example, learning someone has died, that an accident has occurred, or that someone has received a serious health diagnosis. Violating this request can be deeply triggering to a highly sensitive person.
Not Staying Consistent or Not Honoring Commitments
Part of how an HSP self-regulates is through consistent response and consistent presence. If you tell an HSP that you will text to say goodnight after your poker game at 9:30 but then fall asleep, this can be triggering to an HSP who was looking forward to that communication check-in from you. Of course, unexpected events happen, but continual lack of follow-through or chronic excuses often leads an HSP to question the authenticity of the relationship. In the example above, because a commitment to text was made, the partner should not only offer an apology for not following through but commit to working on behavior that feels safer to the HSP. Even a short text after the poker game to say, “I am so overtired. I apologize that I cannot text more, but I wanted to let you know I was home safe and thinking about you,” goes a long way to nurturing an HSP’s sense of security.
Texts That Create Repair and Reassurance to an HSP, or How to Text With an HSP
While learning how to text with an HSP might require inner work, scheduling sessions with a dating coach or devoting time to online couples therapy can often help partners understand that small tweaks in conversational exchange go a long way toward ensuring a sense of safety, comfort, and steadfastness for an HSP. Additionally, once a sense of consistency is established, HSPs may find themselves far more able to be open, experience less anxiety, and deepen their trust within the relationship. This only leads to better moments of intimacy, experiences of ease and knowing, and even to humor and lightheartedness in text exchanges. Here are some practices to consider when texting with an HSP:
Texts of Acknowledgment That Share Your State of Mind
Because HSPs are so vigilant and aware of the emotions of others, offering gentle and unprompted reassurance goes a long way in terms of the bond and trust in a relationship. Here are a few examples:
“I know we had a lot of tense discussions last night about my job relocation. I just wanted to take a minute out of this hectic day to say I love you, and no matter what we will work out a solution together. Your input matters to me.”
“I know you asked me to follow up about the side effects of the new medication. It is working and I am feeling stronger every day. Thank you so much for checking in on me throughout this.”
“Last night was incredibly romantic; I still cannot believe you surprised me with concert tickets. Thank you; I have been smiling all day just thinking about the hilarious backstory of how you got them! I cannot wait to celebrate with you when the day comes.”
“It has been a really challenging few days at this conference. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that I am not going to have much emotional space for conversation when I get in tonight. We can definitely have our coffee date Saturday morning to catch up though; I can pick you up at 8.”
“I just wanted to remind you that I love you.”
“This morning I woke up to see that you had cleaned the kitchen, left me a sweet note, and taken out all of the trash even though it was my turn to do all of this. Thank you for helping me in this way; I have been so stressed and waking up to this started off my day on the best note.”
“I just wanted to reassure you that I am not angry anymore. While I know we resolved everything this morning, I thought it might help for me to remind you that I’m good and that we are good!”
Texts That Are Gently Emotionally Clear:
“I am still processing the loss of our dog, and it has left me overly reactive when instead I need to share my sorrow with you. I really look forward to talking it through more with you. Your support has meant the world to me.”
“I am still hurt about the comment you made to your uncle. However, I also understand why you made the choice that you did. I really look forward to talking it through in person. And know that I love you!
“I do have concerns about how we spend money on vacation. At the same time, I do not want that to be something that we cannot work on as a couple. I acknowledge that we both have some work to do in that department, but I also look forward to discussing it in a less heated way after I return from Europe.”
“I do appreciate your apology, deeply. And while I am still working through a lot of emotion, I do want to let you know this is not a deal breaker for me, and that I still see us as being in a good place as a couple. This is just one area we need to continue to work on.”
Random Texts of Affirmation:
“I am really looking forward to our dinner date tonight. I really want to be present when you finally get to share your good news with me.”
“Thank you for being such a great parent. I know things have been especially taxing with the kids lately but I really appreciate your patience with them. I just wanted to let you know I see you and I love you.”
“You looked sexy as hell this morning. Just thought you should know.”
“I know you are wrestling over the argument with your boss. But even as you sort through this, I wanted to let you know that you are an extremely insightful, knowledgeable, and wonderful human, and I am so grateful you are in my life.
“I know you are going to kick ass on this project! Can’t wait to hear all about it tonight!”
While texting with an HSP may initially seem complex, in truth it is about centering emotional consideration and learning how to create safety for your partner and yourself. While at first, these practices may seem to be a challenge, in time they start to become inherent, even second nature, and can only lead to more depth, connection, and joy with your HSP partner.
Ready to Begin Therapy for Highly Sensitive People in Los Angeles, CA?
Unlock the deeper levels of connection and trust in your relationship by understanding and supporting your highly sensitive partner through text. Texting can be a nuanced space for a highly sensitive person (HSP), impacting their emotions and anxiety levels. A Highly Sensitive People therapist specializing in HSPs at Therapy for Adults can guide both you and your partner through effective communication strategies, fostering understanding and intimacy. Explore how therapy for Highly Sensitive People can empower both of you to navigate texting triggers and build a secure, emotionally rich connection in your relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if Therapy for Highly Sensitive People is right for you
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer various counseling services besides highly sensitive person treatment through online therapy. In addition to HSP therapy, I offer couples therapy, therapy for dating and relationship issues, and dating coaching to support you and your relationships. Additionally, I provide therapy as a form of anxiety treatment. Reach out to see how I can support you.
