How to Set Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person
Setting boundaries is one way a highly sensitive person can ensure that they are protecting their energy. However, knowing how to set boundaries—both with oneself and with others—takes practice and patience. Often, honing the skill can also be triggering at first, but the results, peace of mind, and progress are worth the continued focus and effort.
What Can Setting Boundaries Bring Up for a Highly Sensitive Person?
Often, setting boundaries can be highly uncomfortable at first, particularly if it is not something you have given yourself permission to do. Not only do you need to spend time understanding your personal limits as a highly sensitive person, you also need to know how to communicate those limits to others. Seeking out a therapist who specializes in working with highly sensitive people, talking to a counselor who has an understanding of highly sensitive people, or seeking treatment for highly sensitive people are all ideal ways to better articulate how boundary setting can be of help.
Often, setting boundaries requires a shift in relationship dynamics. Highly sensitive people who have anxiety symptoms can also find this especially challenging. When setting a boundary, a highly sensitive person may feel their heart racing, might feel deep fear, or might even feel triggered into a fight-flight, fawn, or freeze response. However, just knowing and admitting that these feelings may come up is the first step in learning to navigate them. Working with an anxiety therapist can also prove beneficial.
Though setting boundaries may initially bring up a lot of intense responses, in time, honing the practice will make it easier, and the results will be relationships that feel far more aligned and comfortable for HSPs.
How Do I Set Boundaries as a Highly Sensitive Person?
Know your limits and triggers around the emotional exchange. Here are a few to consider:
Conversational patterns. Is it difficult for you to think clearly when you are interrupted? What happens when someone raises their voice in a discussion? What happens when the person you are speaking with seems distracted? When do they break eye contact? Are you overwhelmed by a number of questions in a row? How do you feel about silences or lulls in the conversation?
Physical touch. Do you find physical touch reassuring or overwhelming when having deep conversation? What kinds of physical touch work for you? Why or why not? Are there certain gestures or body language that are triggering for you?
Environment. Are you ok with talking about sensitive subjects in public? Do you prefer quieter restaurants or a park, or are you ok with locations that may offer sensory overload? What about proximity to others?
Be sure to schedule downtime for yourself. Truly consider what downtime looks like for you. How do you define rest? What helps you recalibrate your nervous system? Do you prefer downtime in a certain space or place? How does an ideal solo day look to you? Do you prefer journaling, listening to music, yoga, or long walks? How does food (and the preparation of it) factor into your downtime? Is extra sleep crucial for you?
Be sure to consider scenarios for what you will or will not allow during downtime. Are there certain people you can speak to on the phone when you have time to rest? Do you prefer to text? Shut your phone off completely? What about how frequently you check email or social media?
What if someone comes to visit unannounced? If you run into a friend in the park? If you are unexpectedly invited to attend a function even though you have promised yourself downtime?
Use language that is clear when setting boundaries with others. Here is an example:
If it feels right, begin with a positive acknowledgment. “Sandra, you are such a kind and supportive friend and I am so grateful for your insights, particularly during such a stressful time. Relocating to a new neighborhood has been far more complicated than I anticipated.”
State directly and kindly how you feel. “I felt a bit overwhelmed when you started to give me financial advice about selling my house.”
Be clear about why the behavior is upsetting to you. “I have been doing a lot of research lately and I have found myself frustrated by unsolicited advice. I acknowledge that you were only trying to help and keep me from the same pitfalls you experienced.”
Let them know how you prefer to be treated. “Next time we talk about this, can you hold space for me while I vent? If I am interested in advice, I will be sure to let know.”
Ask them if they are clear with what you’ve expressed. “Do you have any questions for me? If you are confused or concerned at all, I would love to help clarify.”
Thank them for listening. “I really appreciate you listening and accepting my boundary with this. It is one of the reasons I cherish our friendship so dearly because I know I can be authentic with you.”
Be clear when setting boundaries with yourself:
Part of nurturing and acknowledging yourself as a highly sensitive person also means setting personal boundaries to protect your energy. Some of these may look like:
Self-imposed rules regarding phone communication. No phone calls after 9 pm, for example, or no texting until after 10 am once you have completed your morning routine.
No screen time an hour before bed. No reading material before bed that can be triggering. Committing to not keeping a TV in the bedroom. Signing off from video games a few hours before sleep, especially ones that increase anxiety.
Having morning and evening rituals to signal to your body and create routines of safety
Committing to a workout routine at certain times and days gives structure
Journaling or creating while keeping devices in another room
Committing to not being on social media platforms that contribute to anxiety, or encourage doom scrolling. Unfollowing accounts that cause angst, malaise, or are triggering personal insecurities.
Scheduling flights, when possible, that work with your body clock
Shopping in stores that do not overwhelm from a sensory standpoint—scents, noises, crowds, lighting.
Recognize when you are taking on the emotions of others and have a plan for how to recalibrate so that you do not continue to do so.
What kind of response can an HSP expect when setting boundaries?
Just as establishing and remaining consistent with boundaries as an HSP can be a challenge, often understanding shifts in relationship dynamics can be as well. For those who love and support HSPs, having a sense of curiosity and understanding around boundary setting can be incredibly calming to an HSP, often leading to greater intimacy and better communication. This may take inner work and self-awareness for those supporting an HSP, but seeing the increased ease in their HSP loved ones will only inspire a deeper connection. If an HSP has set a boundary with you, be sure to check in to make sure you understand and adhere to the boundary.
For example, if your son has asked you not to call him by his childhood nickname around his fiancée, you may want to ask him why it is a source of discomfort. You may also want to share that although you find it hard to leave a term of affection behind that you support his point of view. If you happen to slip, be sure to apologize. And, if other family members continue with the nickname, support your HSP son by reminding others not to violate the boundary. Seeking out an HSP therapist or HSP counselor may also be a wise decision in learning how to better support your HSP loved one.
What happens if, as an HSP, I have a friend, partner, or family member who does not respect the boundaries I’ve set?
Unfortunately, even with clear and compassionate conversation, sometimes others are not willing or able to honor boundaries set by an HSP. If, after sharing your boundary multiple times with a loved one, HSPs may need to reconsider how and when they interact within the relationship. For example, if your brother makes fun of your boundary repeatedly, a more strict boundary may have to be reinforced: “I am not comfortable being teased for my boundary with you. If you cannot stop poking fun at me, I will have to postpone our Friday nights out for a while. I hope you can understand that this is important to me and the future of our relationship too.” In some cases, an HSP may find that taking time away from a relationship where boundaries are not honored is necessary. While this can be a challenge, staying true to your commitments to yourself as an HSP is necessary, especially when you are devoted to your healing and to better understanding yourself as an HSP.
Creating and maintaining boundaries as a highly sensitive person can take practice. However, nurturing relationships based on harmony and understanding ultimately serves to reinforce an environment of comfort, safety, and deep connection not only for HSPs—but also for those they love.
Ready to Begin Therapy for Highly Sensitive People in Los Angeles, CA?
Embrace a journey towards self-preservation and deeper relationships as a highly sensitive person (HSP) by exploring the world of boundaries. Mastering the art of setting boundaries takes practice and patience, often stirring discomfort initially, but the rewards are immense - peace of mind and progress. Engage with an HSP therapist or counselor specializing in therapy for Highly Sensitive People at Therapy for Adults to navigate boundary setting effectively, fostering personal growth and enriched connections. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if Therapy for Highly Sensitive People is right for you
Begin meeting with me, Steven Reigns, a skilled highly sensitive person therapist
Learn to set healthy boundaries as an HSP!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer various counseling services besides highly sensitive person treatment through online therapy. In addition to HSP therapy, I offer couples therapy, therapy for dating and relationship issues, and dating coaching to support you and your relationships. Additionally, I provide therapy as a form of anxiety treatment. Reach out to see how I can support you.
