What is Energy Incompatibility and is it Destroying my Marriage?
Every marriage or relationship goes through periods of growth, stress, change, and—hopefully—a renewed sense of connection and understanding. However, over time, many partnerships are affected by different facets of energy incompatibility. While understanding and defining energy incompatibility is important, seeking out a couples therapist to help you determine where it is impacting your relationship is crucial to your continued commitment to closeness.
What is Energy Incompatibility?
What is energy incompatibility? At its most basic, it is when a long-term relationship experiences friction in how each person prioritizes their energy and daily time. This can be related to career, family, personal growth, outside interests, familial traditions, belief patterns and systems, finances, or intimacy-- just to name a few possibilities.
With demanding careers, commutes, and family life, LA therapists are seeing more instances of energy incompatibility and how it is having chronic effects on partnerships. But there is hope—couples who seek out marriage counselors or couples counseling early on have the opportunity to reroute energy incompatibility and forage new routines that lead to deeper intimacy, independence, and understanding.
Looking at a breakdown of energy incompatibility is a great way to understand how it can impact couples and their communication and contact. Each day our routines and the way we spend our energy is an exercise in balance. Learning to work with your partner in couples therapy—and to turn energy incompatibility into energy compatibility--is crucial to the sustained health and joy of your partnership.
Here are 12 questions to review with your partner and your couples therapist to determine how energy incompatibility may be impacting your connection.
12 Questions to Determine Your Relationships Energy Incompatibility
Consider your daily routine. Is one partner a night owl while another is an early riser? How does this affect how you spend your day with each other and your time as a family?
Does one person require more emotional labor than the other? Is there a balance within the emotional labor or does one person have to continually remind the other of tasks that should be routine? Think of everything from how you both handle trash duty, dry cleaning, grocery shopping, packing for trips, or getting children ready for school.
What belief systems do you each have around chores and housework? Is one person content to work on landscaping but adverse to routine cleaning? Does one person love to cook elaborate meals only if the other person cleans up? What are your rituals and routines around neatness and cleanliness? Does one person invest substantial energy into organizational systems while the other feels overwhelmed by them?
How do extroversion and introversion factor into the relationship dynamic? How much time do each of you need to rest and recharge alone? In groups? How has that picture changed during the course of your relationship? Did one partner used to be more introverted and is now more social?
What about screen incompatibility? Is one person a dedicated gamer? On continual social media alert? A news junkie? How have screens and screen time affected your bonds of intimacy and the way that you connect/disconnect? Screen time is not limited to just computers and phones--it also includes TV. What shows do you watch together? Do you enjoy movies as a couple or is there energy incompatibility regarding what each of you seeks out for entertainment? Do you prefer documentaries and musicals while your partner is more action, true crime, or sci-fi? Are you able to reconcile which programs you will or will not watch together?
Are your social interests also affected by energy incompatibility? For example, does one of you like sporting events, concerts, and loud crowded spaces while another prefers quiet entertainment or intimate dinners?
How is future planning impacted by your energy incompatibility? For example, does one partner prefer to arrive at the theatre early, and get settled in before the show while the other likes to breeze in at the last minute? Does one partner prefer the spontaneity of wandering into new restaurants while another prefers to plan ahead with reservations, meal options, and wardrobe considerations?
What about family time? Does one partner prefer big family excursions for a few days while another likes an afternoon at the zoo or museum? Does one partner like to drive at night while the kids sleep while the other prefers to get an early morning start on the road?
How does conflict factor into energy incompatibility? Does one person need space to process anger while another prefers to talk through their emotions immediately? Does one person withhold frustration until they become very reactive while another share their present emotional state?
How does energy incompatibility affect your communication with family members? For example, how often does your partner wish to have calls with family? Are these expected to be group video calls or one-on-one calls? How often do you both wish to invite relatives over for meals or activities? Are you on the same page about this? Why or why not?
How is your energy incompatibility affected by boundaries within the relationship? For instance, does one partner feel comfortable discussing finances outside of the relationship while the other prefers to keep fiscal planning close to the vest? What about investments, savings, and retirement plans? How does overall money management factor in? If energy incompatibility is also marked by financial issues, seeking out couples’ financial therapy is a must.
How does energy incompatibility affect your weekend time as a couple or as a family? Does one person see weekends as a time to catch up and prepare for the week ahead while the other sees it as a time to relax and recharge? Does one person look forward to working on house projects together while the other would rather go hiking, to festivals, or try new local haunts?
Constantly navigating energy disparities can be emotionally draining, leaving both partners exhausted and frustrated. This can lead to breaches in relationship harmony, and if left unprocessed, can also have a detrimental impact on long-term trust, contentment, and love.
This is why seeking out couples therapy or couples counseling is crucial to help return your marriage to a state of deep connection and understanding. While energy incompatibility is a common yet often overlooked issue, it is not insurmountable. With couples therapy, open communication, respect for differences, and a willingness to find a balance together, couples can navigate these challenges and build a stronger and more intimate partnership.
Ready to Begin Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA to Reconnect With Your Partner?
Explore a deeper connection in your relationship by understanding and addressing energy incompatibility. Therapy For Adults in LA specializes in couples counseling, helping navigate relationship challenges. Seek guidance from a couples therapist to transform energy differences into opportunities for growth, intimacy, and a harmonious partnership. Start your journey towards a deeper understanding and lasting connection with couples therapy. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if couples therapy in Los Angeles is right for your relationship
Begin meeting with me, Steven Reigns, a skilled Los Angeles couples therapist
Explore a deeper connection with your partner!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping couples reconnect in couples therapy and marriage counseling, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. I also help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. For more posts like this, check out my Blog!
